Third Trimester

I have been very busy and I haven’t got a time to update my blog.  A lot of things came up since my last post in November 2016. In autumn 2017, I received a great news. I got pregnant again. Yay! And this time, I experiencing a smooth pregnancy and thank God that I’m currently in my third trimester. Baby is expected to due in early June and both my husband and me are very excited especially when we already found out the gender.

I’m not going to break the surprise of the baby’s gender yet here. We even have thought of the name for the baby and have started to call the baby’s name. Family members and closed friends know about the gender and name.

Well that’s it for now. I will update soon about the baby.


My Miscarriage Management Experience

Once I received news that my baby died in womb, I was given three options by the Women’s Hospital to carry out my miscarriage management. 

First option was to let the dead foetus discharge naturally. If I choose this option, the hospital will arrange a follow up scan in two weeks time. 

Second option was to have medication. If I choose this option, I will be given tablets to take to stop my pregnancy hormone. This will help to speed up the process of my miscarriage. Then a follow up scan will be done to confirm that everything has been discharged.

The third option involved surgery which is known as D&C. I was explained that this is not painful as I will be unconcious when they do the operation. 

The hospital gave me leaftlets to read and I had to make decision in 48 hours by ringing the number which was given to me. 

My husband and me had discussion about this. I also consulted with my dad who is in medical field and he had asked advise from his friend, an experienced gynaecologist. 

I was recommended to proceed with natural miscarriage with the following reasons:

1) My pregnancy stopped at 6 weeks which is less than 9 weeks;

2) This is my first pregnancy hence surgery is not advisable as it will hurt me more; and

3) The gynaecologist explained that my body is amazing that if it can detected genetically weak baby, means it is also able to release the dead baby naturally. 

However, I was also advised to monitor my body temperature because if I have fever, it means there is infection. Thus, I must visit the hospital as soon as possible to remove the dead foetus via surgery. 

Natural miscarriage differs for every woman, sometimes it may take few days or weeks. Alternatively, the gynaecologist advised that if I can’t wait and wish for speedy process, I can opt for the second option. 

After a long thought, I decided to opt for the first option and my husband fully supported my decision. Anyway, since the last scan, my body had started to accept the fact that there was a dead foetus in my womb and that made me bleeding with fresh blood as well as feeling painful cramp around my abdominal area. 

I kept myself slightly active by doing some house chores, hoping that it could speed up the natural miscarriage process. Well, it sort of did. 

On Thursday, I bleed more. I kept going to the toilet to change my sanitary pads and sometimes I stayed longer sitting on the toilet seat letting out the blood clots. It was horrible to see how much bleeding I was suffering. However, each time I discharged the blood clots, my pain slightly reliefed.

The same process went on until Saturday, I had the worst pain. 

I sat on the toilet seat for an hour or more (I can’t remember). While listening to the Korean music that I switched on to calm myself, I saw something came out from my vagina. A thick flesh (looked like meat to me) about the size of my husband’s thumb with a very tiny chord (white slightly  transparent) attached to it. 

The flesh dropped in the toilet bowl and I showed to my husband. He sympathised the dead foetus. Without having a second thought, I flushed. 

I googled to reconfirm whether the flesh I saw was really the dead foetus. Apparently, at 6 weeks pregnancy, the baby should be the size of a lentil seed. I thought the flesh was way too big for the size of lentil. 

I googled again for more information and found that the flesh actually covered the tiny dead foetus. If I had taken out the flesh from the bowl and examined further, I might be able to see the exact look of the dead foetes. Based on several photos found on google, the 6 weeks dead foetus should be white slightly transparent and has some features like tiny eyes, tail, not fully form hands etc. 

I felt a little regret for flushing the flesh but my sister and father comforted me that it was fine because, the foetus did not have any soul from the begining. The Muslims believed baby starts to have soul during 4 months size of pregnancy; and if she died, she must be named and properly buried. 

I felt better, no more abdominal pain but still heavily bleeding. 

Don’t Take Lightly of a Mother’s Love

Recently, a lot of things happening to me. In September, I was positively pregnant and expected to due in May next year. As an expecting parent, I started to feel a tiny life inside me and I was amazed by the fact that I am contributing some of my energy in creating another human being in me. The feeling was so amazing that I could not explain in words but I guess that was what we called ‘love’. 

A mother’s love is wonderful, that even she hasn’t meet her child, she already felt and spread that love from the first time she knew she was bearing one. Of course, I was looking forward to this new adventure of motherhood.

However, the rain stoped in the middle of the day, so do my journey. Few weeks of happy moment, suddenly I spotted and was sent to emergency room. On first checking, everything was fine but the gyanaechologist booked my first scan to confirm this. So, I went with my husband for the urgent scan. 

The look on the nurse’s face while analysing the screen casted doubt in me that something was wrong. Then she explained that my baby was not developing as expected she should be. The baby was 4 weeks smaller. Is either that my last period calculation was wrong or my calculation is correct but baby had stoped to develop. It was a 50-50 chance. But no moms would give up hope on their child (unless mentally wrong) hence I was given a week for a second scan (in other words second chance) to reconfirm the baby’s growth. 

Still hoping; there always a ‘but’ here, while waited for a week to come, off and on I spotted again. A lot lesser than my first spotting, I still not giving up until the day of my second scan. I was damn nervous even my legs were shaking when the same nurse examined me using the transvaginal scan machine. 

The result was confirmed that my baby had died, no heartbeat and the yolk had started to shrink a bit. I sighed, tried to accept and absord the news. I tried to smile and remain calm, only God knows how I felt. It was hard to describe the feeling of lost of a tiny life thing inside you that you had never had a chance to meet. 

On the other hand, I was glad at some point that I lost the baby earlier. Scientifically, I was briefed that my body was able to detect defects on the baby that it rejected by stopping the growth. Based on the miscarriage leaflet I read, baby usually stop growing when it is genetically weak hence even the baby grows and delivered normally, would be a weak baby. I’m not sure how true is that but I’m glad that there is some logical explanation that would keep me move on. 

I know this is all God’s will because I have faith in God but at least I need to know the cause for future precaution. 

I’m still in grief because it is not something that can settle over night. Just hope that the miscarriage management which I’m going through goes well. 

Even it was only a short period of motherhood journey, I can understand the feeling of other moms who had lost their children. It must be even more painful for them. Having thought of this make me feel stronger that I wasn’t alone. 

What come May?

I seldom talk about politics and what more about politicians. Even when I was in Malaysia, I only voted once for the general election because most of the time I was living abroad and have not much interest in Malaysian politics. Moreover, the restriction to freedom of speech in Malaysia have caused majority of Malaysians including me to be careful with what we speak about the politics situation in my country.

Since I migrated in the UK, I am amazed that the people are allowed to throw their opinions and thoughts freely.

Today, Theresa May, the lady UK Prime Minister officially entered the Downing Street office replacing David Cameron. I have been reading articles on the news about how strict she is and a mirror to the former iron lady, Margaret Thatcher.

As an outsider living in the UK, I find it interesting to live in a country that would be lead by lady leader. Historically, Malaysia has never experience having lady prime minister. Despite the rumors that she hates and would chased out the migrants, I am looking forward to see how this new lady leader lead UK especially now in Brexit situation.

P/S: Since yesterday, pounds has increased slightly. Correct me if I’m wrong.


The Referendum

The referendum results was shocking as I thought ‘remain’ would lead the nation of this country even though as emigrant and Commonwealth citizen living here, I would prefer ‘leave’ for Britain (I didn’t vote).

Liverpool town was quieter than usual on Friday night and I felt sad for EU citizens who have settled here, whom have families, whom have build up careers and have economically contribute for  many years for this country.

As external observer, I have been following articles, news, debates and campaigns of the referendum from both sides i.e. who opted for ‘remain’ and ‘leave’. In my opinion, most of the points were based on personal interests rather than proper facts that able to show whether Britain have been better or worse since 1972 as a member of EU. Why she should remain or should leave question have not been answered clearly by those who involved in this campaign. I think majority of people in this country don’t understand the concept of single / common market brought by EU hence I truly believe their choice of vote were mostly driven by emotional rather than knowledge and facts.

Nonetheless, yesterday result is a good news for British as now their Parliament has gained back the true sovereignty in this country. Previously, most laws passed by British Parliament have to comply with EU law. The indication by economists and other experts with regards to their economics stability if they leave EU are just a forecast and speculation. It is entirely depends on them. If they genuinely believe that having self-governance is way better than being in the union, then they need to show the world that they are able to do better economically.

Some have concluded that this would be a dark era but I think it is too early to conclude as the journey is about to start. Do not give up Britain!

The Journal I had Lost

Since my mother passed away, I realised that I have become a quieter person. I am not fancy to socialise with people as I used to. Spending time alone is my favourite activity.

 I felt like I lost my most precious journal. When my mother was still alive, it was almost every day I reported to her my daily activities, what I had been doing, my plans, dreams, who I met, about my friends etc. 

Life is a little bit boring now without her as I have no one to argue with, being stubborn and being loved although I have a husband to do the same😅

I bet my eldest sister and father must be missing her too. We had wonderful experience with our lovely mother. And I don’t think I ever find the same journal that I had lost. 

Repost: Rubber in My Nostril? 

Actually I was about to go to bed but suddenly remembered something happened long long time ago during my kindergarten days. I had always wanted to have a mechanical pencil, which I used to call it “tik tik” pencil because it always make the “tik” sound when you push it. 

My elder sister used to have lots of “tik-tik” pencil in her pencil case and I had always borrowed from her. So, one day she lent me her blue “tik-tik” pencil to school. I was very happy and at school, I kept show off to my friends about how wonderful a 6 year old kid can have a “tik-tik” pencil. You know when you were young and a little “stupid”, “tik-tik” pencil can make you look so “cool”. You know what I mean. 

Then, I discovered that the “tik-tik” pencil has an eraser, which something I never knew before. The eraser looked white and small. In fact, I thought it was cute. But, I really had no idea why I got this stupid idea of inserting it into one of my nostrils. So thats what I did and indeed it was stuck in my nostril. I was a little panicked. My friends who saw what I did just said “Oh’Oh”. Well, I didn’t tried to take it out even until I was back home. Also, mummy and abah hardly knew about it. My secret remained until the next day I sneezed. The eraser came out! Finally…I said.

I was excited and showed to my mom and dad, and they gave me a weird look. I guess they must have been thinking how on earth that eraser can be in my nostril for one day. My dad told me that if the eraser had stayed longer in my nostril it could have grown a rubber tree. At the moment, I thanked God for making me sneeze.


From my former blog, ‘A piece of Cake’

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