Recently, a lot of things happening to me. In September, I was positively pregnant and expected to due in May next year. As an expecting parent, I started to feel a tiny life inside me and I was amazed by the fact that I am contributing some of my energy in creating another human being in me. The feeling was so amazing that I could not explain in words but I guess that was what we called ‘love’.
A mother’s love is wonderful, that even she hasn’t meet her child, she already felt and spread that love from the first time she knew she was bearing one. Of course, I was looking forward to this new adventure of motherhood.
However, the rain stoped in the middle of the day, so do my journey. Few weeks of happy moment, suddenly I spotted and was sent to emergency room. On first checking, everything was fine but the gyanaechologist booked my first scan to confirm this. So, I went with my husband for the urgent scan.
The look on the nurse’s face while analysing the screen casted doubt in me that something was wrong. Then she explained that my baby was not developing as expected she should be. The baby was 4 weeks smaller. Is either that my last period calculation was wrong or my calculation is correct but baby had stoped to develop. It was a 50-50 chance. But no moms would give up hope on their child (unless mentally wrong) hence I was given a week for a second scan (in other words second chance) to reconfirm the baby’s growth.
Still hoping; there always a ‘but’ here, while waited for a week to come, off and on I spotted again. A lot lesser than my first spotting, I still not giving up until the day of my second scan. I was damn nervous even my legs were shaking when the same nurse examined me using the transvaginal scan machine.
The result was confirmed that my baby had died, no heartbeat and the yolk had started to shrink a bit. I sighed, tried to accept and absord the news. I tried to smile and remain calm, only God knows how I felt. It was hard to describe the feeling of lost of a tiny life thing inside you that you had never had a chance to meet.
On the other hand, I was glad at some point that I lost the baby earlier. Scientifically, I was briefed that my body was able to detect defects on the baby that it rejected by stopping the growth. Based on the miscarriage leaflet I read, baby usually stop growing when it is genetically weak hence even the baby grows and delivered normally, would be a weak baby. I’m not sure how true is that but I’m glad that there is some logical explanation that would keep me move on.
I know this is all God’s will because I have faith in God but at least I need to know the cause for future precaution.
I’m still in grief because it is not something that can settle over night. Just hope that the miscarriage management which I’m going through goes well.
Even it was only a short period of motherhood journey, I can understand the feeling of other moms who had lost their children. It must be even more painful for them. Having thought of this make me feel stronger that I wasn’t alone.